Perfection Holds Us Back.
“Perfectionism is not the same thing has striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.”
- Brené Brown
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Do you know the feeling when you really want to share something that’s meaningful to you with a friends, significant other, or the world? You’re really excited about it & feel like you have something to say - that your voice, story, words or ideas are worth sharing. Or the feeling when you want to try something new for the first time - a gym, a sport, a new recipe, a hobby. The feeling of possibility mixed with vulnerability and confidence. You feel so ready to trust yourself on a new level. To step into & embrace this feeling of vulnerability.
So, you make it to the point just before it’s time to take action on the thing you really want to do. Your anticipation & fear become a bit more apparent and you experience a new feeling. It doesn’t feel quite as good. In fact, it’s pretty harsh, heavy & not much fun at all. It starts to make you doubt yourself. This feeling is called shame. Shame-brain says: “Do you have any business writing a blog on perfection because who are you anyways and also no one asked you so maybe you should wait until you have something better to share?” “If I don’t perfectly articulate what I want to say, then what does it matter?” “What if they reject me when I make a mistake?”
Does this experience sound familiar to you? If yes, then I have good news - you’re a human too! If no, well, I don’t really know what to say other than please share with the rest of us. But for real though, shame is all around (and in) us BUT that doesn’t mean it needs to have any power over us. We can (and should) still try new things and be vulnerable with ourselves & others. Striving for perfection is what fuels shame and stunts our own growth. Perfection is pointless & robs us of becoming all we can be. It’s a lot easier said than done but here are some tips on how to combat perfectionism with vulnerability which will help you continue to become your most authentic self.
Tip 1: Notice how you talk to yourself.
Is it the voice of a friend or critic? Would you speak to your closest friends the way you speak to yourself if they were in the same situation? If the language you use towards yourself is cruel, insensitive, judgmental or anything similar - chances are this isn’t actually you. It’s language & shame stories you have picked up throughout life. Self-compassion is a critical component in combating shame. If you’re finding it hard to extend compassion & empathy to present day you, imagine you’re talking to childhood you - chances are they also really need the self-compassion too.
Tip 2: Vulnerability is a good thing.
Does it feel kinda scary? Are you a little uncertain it’s something you can do immediately? Just like with anything, we all have our own individual limits at any given time which is okay. BUT that doesn’t mean the answer is avoiding trying new things all together. Find something that requires a tolerable level of discomfort to try or achieve AND GO DO IT! Feeling nervous or afraid of something can often be an indicator that it’s something we really want or want to do.
Tip 3: Share your shame stories with trusted supporters.
There are people in your life who can understand & hold your shame stories with compassion, empathy & care. Identify these friends, family members, therapists, coaches or whomever they may be for you and allow them to hear your shame stories. Shame loves to make us think we are all alone and not good enough to be heard but the truth is, we all struggle and we’re all in the same boat. So, when we let safe people in, shame starts to lose its voice and power over us.
Tip 4: Be authentic.
You are the only person on the planet who can be you. So, you might as well be you. Don’t let some ideal (of yourself or others) about being perfect at everything keep you from just being yourself. It’s okay to be exactly where you are. It’s okay to not feel 100% certain that you will be successful at your new hobby or gym routine. It’s okay to be you.
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Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect.
- Brené Brown
(Resources- NoBe Fitness)